Next week I have an admissions interview at CIIS where I have applied for a psychology master’s program. When I told a good friend about this, he said “I’m glad that you are doing this. I know that you are worried about getting in debt but I think that ultimately you are bettering yourself.” And suddenly I started crying. At first I thought it was about the debt, but at the end of my yoga class this evening I realized what the tears were really about: Over ten years after I was originally going to go to grad school, I feel like I’m finally going for the right reasons. All throughout high school and college I had assumed that I was going to grad school. It was about prestige and earning power for me and about pleasing my parents who had never had the chance to go to college. Plus, to me grad school was something smart people do, and I know I am that. But luckily, thanks to a few ecstasy trips during college I decided NOT to get a master’s in economics. And now, eleven years after graduating from college, I am going to grad school after all. This time my objective is to become a better person. It feels right.
Below is the autobiographical statement I wrote as part of my application.
My interest in psychology, particularly the mind-body kind, started tragically early: At the age of 10 I spent a couple of months in a psychosomatic ward in Germany. I didn’t go there to study psychosomatic therapy per se, but what is true is that I had developed an obsessive depressive disorder because my mind and body had become disconnected. Having been raised in Germany where a lot of emphasis is placed on cognitive thinking, I had lost trust in my body. I couldn’t stop obsessing over fears regarding my body, such as weight gain, disease, death, or shame from bodily functions. Since I frequently talked about suicide—I suppose what I really wanted was harmony and peace between mind, body and soul, like in the death pose in yoga—my parents were afraid for my safety and sought professional help.
I remember admiring the social workers and psychologists at the psychosomatic mental hospital. I thought it was interesting that they thought they could use their logical brains to help me.
Two years later I finally experienced an energetic shift within myself that I didn’t think had anything to do with the treatment or medication I had received. That’s when I started feeling like a “normal” 12-year-old again, who was interested in working on creative projects and making friends.
I didn’t think to further explore the nature of that energetic shift. Instead, I was just glad that the depressive episode was over and continued trying to figure life out with my head. I was a very good student, especially at math and foreign languages. When I was 17 I came to California as an exchange student for one year. I loved California and felt that its diversity and openness made it easier for me to be myself than it had been in Germany. I decided to try to come back after finishing school in Germany, and life stepped in to make that happen for me: I won a green card in the annual U.S. green card lottery. My father gave his blessing and agreed to help financially support me during college, and at the age of 20 I immigrated to the United States on my own.
My major in college was Economics. It suited me in that it was math-heavy, and it didn’t suit me in that I was much too eccentric to wear business suits, literally and figuratively. I think I was just trying to study something pragmatic that I knew I would be good at. A friend of mine recently asked me what I intended on doing with that degree, what my dreams were during college. I replied that I was hoping to become a market research analyst. I wanted to research consumer market trends and find out what kinds of new or improved products people were asking for. My friend commented that things were coming together for her: Knowing that I am interested in counseling now, she remarked that even then I was interested in people’s desires. I was going at it from an unsatisfying angle though: Shortly after graduating—I was already working at a major corporation as a demand forecast coordinator—a feeling of dread started coming on that I was heading in the wrong direction. Luckily my boyfriend at the time asked me to move to Virginia with him, and I accepted and was able to quit the joyless job.
In Virginia I fell into a completely different profession. I started as an operations assistant at an e-learning company and quickly gained programming skills thanks to my enthusiasm. When the company laid me off, I was able to find a job as a programmer at the University of Virginia. Though similarly mathematical and problem-solving in nature, I found the world of programming infinitely more exciting and inspiring than that of business forecasting.
After having spent two years in Virginia, I moved to San Francisco in 2002 where I have lived ever since. For a while I telecommuted for the University of Virginia until I decided I wanted to be around people again and accepted a job on the engineering team of a major software company. The company was surrounded by a worldwide community of developers and fans, with whom I enjoyed interacting.
About a year later the company had major layoffs. I was spared but started becoming disillusioned with the software industry. A failed relationship later, I was downright depressed. My medical doctor prescribed me some antidepressants but they didn’t affect me noticeably. A few months into the depression in a flash of spiritual insight I decided that I wanted to explore my intuition and connection to myself in order to help myself in times of depression and emotional difficulty. Shortly after making this decision I ran into a friend of mine who called herself a medium and who was about to teach a series of spiritual workshops designed to train one’s intuition. I eagerly started attending these classes as well as exploring meditation and yoga. Soon I started coming out of my depression, which coincided with the realization that I needed to leave my corporate software job and pursue a different path. I wanted to interact with people instead of computers; I wanted to help and heal people like myself; I wanted to make a positive contribution to human evolution.
I decided that I wanted to work as a counselor but that I didn’t want to go back to a traditional university. I felt that traditional education was too left-brained and logical, and I preferred orienting to my heart, my newfound intuition and connection to spirit. I started marketing myself as an intuitive counselor and enrolled in a year-long counseling program called Interchange – A Training in Radical Counseling. It was designed for people like me who wanted to be counselors without necessarily becoming licensed therapists. I enjoyed the program immensely, especially the personal transformation I experienced as a result.
I pursued other spiritually based trainings, such as certification as a theta healer and past life regression counselor, as well as self-development programs such as the Landmark Forum and a yoga retreat. I slowly deconstructed and healed the deep-rooted feeling that there was something wrong with me, which had possibly been with me since my parents had committed me to the mental hospital at age 10. I started giving myself more self-love and acceptance than I had ever known.
For a few years I continued growing my counseling business and practice while also making a living as a taxi driver, translator and freelance programmer. I enjoyed working on my own time and having an irregular schedule. But I continued lamenting the fact that I was still spending more time on the computer than changing people’s lives.
During the course of the year 2010 I strengthened my level of commitment and responsibility for the path of the healer. I decided that I wanted to take serious steps towards spending more time counseling and less time working on the computer. I also started re-appreciating the intelligence of my head and decided that I finally wanted to put it to use in obtaining a graduate degree. I had been noticing for a while that my sessions with clients had shifted focus from being purely spiritual to more of a spiritual-psychological nature. It makes sense for me to study psychology because that’s where I have been lacking training. I want to gain knowledge and skills in that area to have more to offer as a healer.
CIIS is the only school I am applying to because of its spiritual approach to psychology. The Integral Psychology Counseling programs seems like a great way for me to balance the two halves of my brain and enable me to make an intelligent and wholehearted contribution as a change-maker. I especially appreciate the prospect of continued self-development and self-reflection. Aspiring to become a licensed therapist is not just a career choice for me; it’s a lifestyle choice. I envision my future to be therapeutic and healing for the people I come in contact with as well as for myself.
Last week I had a gig that I had known about for a few months. I was hired to do crystal ball readings at a fundraiser at the Ritz Carlton in Half Moon Bay. There were four of us readers total, and each one of us used a different tool.
The clientele was lovely but from a very different demographic than me: mostly married with children, suburban, older than me, and probably in a higher tax bracket. I did feel connected to a couple of the ladies though, and one of them said to me: “I have to tell you something. You remind me of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” I took it as a compliment.
It’s been four weeks now since I started my new freelance job working on an interactive chemistry book. I absolutely love being able to make my own hours, and I love being able to do my work from anywhere.
So far I have created a 3D periodic table of elements, and I have ported the 3D molecule viewer I had created in 2002 to ActionScript 3.0. The work has been challenging and fun. I am learning a lot about 3D engining. The periodic table still has a bug in it, and this coming week I am taking my laptop over to a friend’s house who is a 3D expert, so he can help me fix the bug.
I have also taken my laptop over to Jeremy’s house quite a bit and done my work from there. He has been remodeling his room, so we both had work to do, and it has been nice to be around each other for kissing breaks.
I have also been going to various coffee shops with my laptop. On Thursday, Brittney and I met at Ritual for a co-working date. Taking my work elsewhere has been great for preventing cabin fever. Scheduling frequent lunches with friends has also been helpful, or breaking up my day by running errands and/or taking a yoga class in the middle of the day.
Overall I have been having a lot more energy than I did when I was working in an office full-time. During the four months I worked at the company that makes Flash, I used to come home from work and not want to do anything but lie around. Now I finish my work day and I’m feeling adventurous. And I have been making it to yoga at least once a week, which I didn’t have energy for (and from) before.
Kean has a new job where he works from 8am to 2pm, which is extremely early for him. I often get up early with him and start my work before it’s even 8. He just moved into a new place in Oakland, but when he was still staying with me, I often took a quick cuddle break when he came home from work around 3, then went back to work for a few more hours.
Every other Wednesday morning I have my Wizness Circle, and I have also been meeting with my wizness coach for one-on-one sessions. I have been noticing myself being more confident regarding my business as a result of working with her.
I feel really good about where I am and where I am going career-wise right now.
A few weeks ago I came home from work to collapse in a heap of tears and told Kean that I felt like I was wasting my talents working in an office, even if it’s just temporary. I was disappointed in myself for taking the easy way of working in an office rather than putting myself out there to attract counseling and healing clients. That night I set the intention of receiving a sign that would point me to what my next step is and where to focus.
The next day I noticed an email in one of the mailing lists I am on regarding a Women’s Business Circle. The description of it really spoke to me, especially the part about ‘feeling stuck and trying to “work it out” on [my] own’. Yep, that’s me. I decided that I would like some support and inspiration. I emailed the woman leading the circle and ended up talking to her on the phone. She seems very sweet, and I feel drawn to her.
I am now confirmed to attend the Women’s Business Circle every other Wednesday morning starting June 9. What’s great is that while I was in Germany, I had a moment of awakening regarding my psychic and healing abilities. I realized that I had been suppressing my abilities after I had unsuccessfully tried to use them to make a relationship work in 2006. The relationship had failed, I had felt let down by my abilities and had stopped trusting them as much. I had especially been suppressing my psychic vision and had been refusing to use it, even though people have been asking me to. During that moment in Germany, I realized the healing potential contained in my psychic vision and vowed to make use of it. Suddenly I felt more energetic than I had in months and understood why I had been chronically tired for a long time.
I feel that my new-found willingness to employ my psychic and healing abilities along with my attendance of this business circle will form a great basis for taking my work to the next level.
Not only that but my time in the office where Flash is created is ending as well. I will be working there this week and next, but then I am moving on to working from home and making my own hours. As I mentioned before, I will be working on an interactive chemistry book with a professor at the University of Virginia, for whom I worked many years ago and whom I adore. The flexible schedule will allow me to attend the business circle and hopefully also to see more clients.
I’m excited!
My brother and his girlfriend surprised me the other day when they handed me the German book Feuchtgebiete
and said that they had both loved it. Anna said “If you like honest writing, you will love this.” It’s a very graphic tale of the ingestion and insertion of body fluids. I have been reading it, and it often makes me cringe and squirm. At the same time I admire the author’s bravery and gross honesty.
I decided to get the English version
for Kean because I think he would love it as well, not for its honesty but for the intimate games and experimentations described in it. When exploring the English version, I noticed that it had been translated by someone named Tim Mohr. I was immediately very envious of him. I would love to translate a brutally honest novel from German to English or vice versa.
I also would love to translate other sources of entertainment. I would love to translate the lines of American movies or television shows for dubbing purposes. I would love to translate German movies into English subtitles. How hard could it be to find this kind of work? There can’t be that many people in the world who are completely bilingual in English and German AND who also have an interest in this. There also can’t be that many people in the world who have as much of a linguistic aptitude as I do. Not to toot my own horn, but I have a special talent and penchant for languages. I could not WAIT to learn my first foreign language when I was little, and I even made up my own once. I am a total stickler when it comes to grammar, punctuation and accuracy of meaning. But maybe to translate texts that millions of people are going to see, accuracy is not the most important trait. Maybe a certain looseness and creativity is more important.
Either way I think I would be really good at translating novels, movies and television shows. I don’t fully understand why this kind of work hasn’t come my way yet. Translation is tedious work, and I imagine that not a lot of people would enjoy it, but I happen to LOVE it. And I often notice translated/subtitled lines in movies and think “I could have translated that better.” This morning I watched a dubbed German episode of Sex and the City, and I have to say that the translation was actually really good. I don’t often read tranlsated books (I prefer to read them in the language in which they were written), but they are also usually very good. I think I would do a good job too.
This is a call to the universe: Please bring this work to me. It is my dream.
So I have been working at the company that makes Flash for the last two and a half months. On some level, this may seem like a step backwards but on other levels, there are some wonderful things at play here:
1) I have become friends with “the other German goth” at the company. He is a recent transplant (within the last two or three years), and he is the first German I have encountered on this side of the Atlantic in many years that I am actually willing to speak German with. I think this means that I am finally making peace with my German past–as has been my intention for a few years now–and is quite refreshing. It tickles me that when we run into each other, we say “Morgen!”* to each other.
2) My new German friend is part of a gang of guys at the office who own nerf guns and break into war several times a day. My office space is smack dab in the middle of the war zone, so I never miss any battles. The nerf gun activities have been amusing me very much–much to the surprise of my German friend who was afraid that this behavior was too childish for me–and I have been talking about this so much, that Jeremy recently confessed that he was getting me a nerf gun for my birthday (which is on May 5, by the way). When I announced my future nerf gun to some of the guys at the office today, one of my favorite sharp shooters conspiratorially handed me my very own, temporary nerf gun, “until you get your birthday one.” It’s small but powerful, and he said “I want you to keep this in your purse.” Then he gave me a small shooting lesson, just like in the movies, where the man stands behind the woman and reaches his arms around her to show her how to shoot and, you know, hit on her or something. I think I may have blushed. And I cannot wait to join the battles.
3) They love me here. You may think that quitting and sending out a mass email saying “Macromedia is not Macromedia anymore” may have burned a bridge but quite the opposite seems to be true. I keep being offered full-time jobs, I keep being told that the door is always open, and I keep hearing that I have been missed and that “we need more freaky people around here.” While I have no intention of coming back on a full-time, permanent basis, I am very touched that I am welcome. And I have been told by several different people that before I started this contract, there had been an excited buzz in the office that Vera Fleischer was coming back. Awww. That just about breaks my cubicled heart.
So yeah, I am making the best of it, and it’s working.
*In case you haven’t guessed, this means “‘morning!”
The biochemistry professor I used to work for at the University of Virginia, recently got back in touch with me. He’s working on a new interactive ebook for Introductory Chemistry, and he would like me to do some of the development work. He said that I would be working remotely, and that I can work part-time if I want to.
Right now I’m still working at the company that makes Flash until the end of this month, possibly longer; then I’m going to Germany for two weeks in Many. Hopefully this project will get rolling some time after that.
It would be great if it works out because that man was one of the nicest people I have ever worked with. Plus, I have been wanting to get back into the educational/elearning side of Flash for a while now.
Kean and I were sitting on my roof the other night*, and he said “I miss all the trees.”** And then I said that we will probably eventually move somewhere quieter and greener. We had already discussed this before, when we considered moving to Santa Cruz last year, but I don’t think we’re ready to make such a move yet. But I hope that one day I’ll be ready for it.
And then I said “The Flash work keeps me in the city.” And then I realized that the reverse is also true: “The city keeps me in the Flash work.” The Flash work is the highest-paying work I do, and my apartment is expensive. As long as I live in the city, it makes sense for me to do Flash work once in a while. And if I don’t live in the city…
And that’s when a vision came to me. A vision of myself sitting in a coffee shop, which is one of my favorite things to do. A vision of myself sitting in a coffee shop, doing translation work AND doing intuitive counseling sessions over IM and email. I think I would really like that. I think I would really, really like that.
*Yes, Kean is back from Olympia.
**All the trees in Olympia.
The other day I woke from a nightmare involving a cat that wanted to eat me, and I couldn’t go back to sleep. As I lay there, restless and anxious, something was brought before my eyes in capital letters:
I DON’T LIKE RESPONSIBILITY.
I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE EXPECT THINGS FROM ME.
That’s why I stopped speaking at conferences. That’s why I only do short-term contracts. That’s why I don’t do all that many counseling sessions. That’s why I haven’t taught another workshop. That’s why I haven’t started a podcast.
How am I going to change the world with this attitude? Very subtly and slowly. I think the world deserves more than that from me. I think I deserve more than that from the world.
These two capital-letter dislikes have led to the sabotage and atrophy of several aspects of the work I do. And I definitely dislike that. I am hoping that now that I have recognized this, I will inspire and motivate myself to move forward.
And then yesterday I got this amazing email from my sister. She’s a yoga teacher in training and excited about teaching some of her first yoga classes. I was like “Excited? Not scared? Not terrified of the responsibility, freaked out by the expectations, dreading the moment of having all eyes and ears on you?”
And she said “I actually have fun teaching, as long as it’s about things that I find important and interesting. I look forward to it! In that case I like taking and having that responsibility because that’s how I can make a difference.”
Of course! That makes so much sense. I don’t know how to get myself to feel that way too, but the intention is there. I’m sure I have heard other people say the same thing about teaching, but somehow, hearing it from my sister makes it feel more accessible to me.
It’s Psychic Valentines season again! The orders have started rolling in, and I have started answering questions. I love this little service of mine. Sometimes I wish it was going on all year, and not just for a short time in the spring. I’ll have to find a way to make it more applicable to the rest of the year.
