Dick

I made the best pun in therapy today. I said “I don’t want to be such a dick to myself anymore.” And what’s so great about that is that we were talking about my relationships to men, sex and penis-induced orgasms. You should have been there.

That explains a few things

This afternoon I went to a coffee shop to do some reading for school. One article I read for my Human Development class was Attachment in Adult Life.

Here is a quote from it:

Attachment is clearly a better basis for a reliable pair bond than the obvious alternative of sexual desire. Attachment, once established, is highly persistent. [...] Sexual desire, on the other hand, is sometimes persistent, sometimes not. Furthermore, attachment becomes the more reliable the more established a relationship is; sexual desire is often less urgent as a relationship is established. Attachment and sexual desire are affected differently by threat. [...] Finally, attachment is strongly associated with particular figures and resists redirection. Sexual desire, on the other hand, seems more nearly accessible to new figures. Attachment, in sum, is persistent over time, more reliable as a relationship is more nearly established, and dominant over other behavior systems under conditions of threat. None of these characteristics is true of sexual desire.

Motherfucking fuck. This explains in a nutshell what was wrong in Kean’s and my relationship: He wasn’t attached to me. There was a lot of sexual desire, on both sides, but attachment only on my side. No wonder I felt so threatened by other objects of his sexual desire. There was no attachment holding our relationship in place, and sexual desire, as this article points out, is tenuous and easily transferable. No wonder I was so afraid of his sexual desire transferring to another person and losing him. No wonder it was so easy for him to “attach” to another person: Even after three years, without attachment, all he had to do was redirect his sexual desire.

Motherfucking fuck. And then I went home and cried hysterically. It’s painful to realize how blind I have been for so long.