Transition

Three year anniversary

Originally uploaded by Verabug

Yesterday was Kean’s and my three year anniversary. A week ago we got matching tattoos on our wrists. Last night we celebrated by eating and drinking and lighting three candles.

Today we move on. We decided within the last month not to be life partners anymore. It was a tough decision neither of us really wanted to make, but we both agreed that it was the right thing. We still love each other very much but we are at different phases in our lives and felt that our relationship was eventually going to have to come to an end to support both of our future paths. So we decided to set the end date together and picked the day of our three year anniversary.

We spent the day and night honoring our three years together, crying, and setting intentions for the future. It was sad but beautiful and full of hope and love.

What I want more of

Ever since one of Kean’s lady friends blocked me on Facebook, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my relationships with his lady friends in general. The energy between us is rarely harmonious and comfortable.

Maybe it’s because not a lot of people actually feel comfortable with sharing a sexual partner. Maybe some of them are really jealous of me or really scared of making me jealous. Or maybe it’s because I have very high expectations for how they and Kean are going to handle the situation and treat me.

Here are my expectations of Kean:

• To check in with me before having sex with a new person. He can cuddle or kiss a person without talking to me first, but before going further I expect him to talk to me about it.
• To tell me in advance of any dates/plans to hang out he makes with existing or potential lovers.
• To tell me after a date how far they went and how he feels about them, i.e. whether he would like to see them again.
• To keep me generally updated of who he is interested in and pursuing.

Here are my expectations of Kean’s lady friends:

• To accept that I am Kean’s girlfriend and primary partner and thus am a big part of his life.
• To accept that Kean and I don’t have secrets.
• To treat me with respect, in case we ever meet.
• To communicate with me honestly, should one of us feel a desire/need to communicate directly with me.

That being said, I don’t always meet Kean’s lady friends in person. And I also don’t always have a direct line of communication with each of them because sometimes it just doesn’t seem necessary.

A few things have happened over the course of the last two years, but especially lately, that have made me feel criticized in my approach.

On more than one occasion, somebody has suggested that Kean and I are “not really open.” Presumably this is because we do have some boundaries and agreements. Perhaps some people think that being in an open relationship means that you act as if you were single. We treat our relationship with a lot of care and respect, and our first priority is to keep our relationship happy and healthy. Of course this somewhat restricts our freedom as to what is possible with other people. So yes, we are not 100% open because we are not single, we are actually in a relationship, and that is part of the deal, but I still feel hurt and criticized when somebody brings this up.

There have also been a few people who ended up declining any involvement with Kean because they didn’t want to deal with my presence. The reasons ranged from “I don’t want to get involved with someone who’s already involved with someone else” to “I don’t want to cause any trouble” to “I don’t think Vera is comfortable with me, so I am going to bow out.” Whenever somebody says no thanks due to my presence, I take it personally, even if it has nothing to do with me personally, but simply with the role I play in Kean’s life. I probably just need to grow a thicker skin.

Some people have complained about me contacting them. One girl whom I had met in person multiple times, didn’t like it when I added her on Facebook and suggested that I was “stalking” her. She said that if I wanted to talk to her, I should just call her. Another girl said to Kean that she was really weirded out when I messaged her. This hurt me a lot because the intention of my message had been to be friendly and welcoming and just, well, open.

So those are the things that have hurt. I have felt rejected, denied and criticized. I have felt like I was doing something wrong. But the truth is that I am just being myself. And some people aren’t going to appreciate my direct and open nature. Some people aren’t going to feel comfortable about how freely I share my feelings. I can’t please everyone, and I don’t have to.

And here are some things that have worked, some situations that felt comfortable, exchanges I want more of:

• After a girl I knew had hooked up with Kean for the first time, I sent her a message to “acknowledge our new kinship.” She wrote me back right away and sounded really happy, and shortly thereafter she posted something about appreciating how strong some women are, and I couldn’t help but think I had something to do with that.
• I had coffee with a girl Kean and I are both friends with, during which she casually thanked me for getting to “borrow” Kean. She also mentioned that she had recently borrowed another girlfriend’s boy as well, and that she had appreciated the generosity.
• Last summer a girl Kean was interested in ended up bowing out in order to protect herself. She had been hurt in a similar arrangement before and didn’t want to repeat history. What I appreciated about this is that she announced this decision not only to Kean, but also to me.
• And just this week, a new girl that Kean is talking to said to him “You and Vera should come out tonight!”

And the last gesture, especially, made me say YES. This is what I want more of.

We do confuse people sometimes

One recent Thursday my new German friend came to Noc Noc and brought a friend. He had come previously when Kean was out of town and when Jeremy and I had been DJ’ing there. That time I had introduced Jeremy as my boyfriend. This time Jeremy and I were sitting at a table with my German friend and his friend, and his friend said “So who’s DJ’ing right now?” (Kean was.) I said “My boyfriend.” He looked at Jeremy and then looked very confused. A little later my German friend said “Your boyfriend looks different today.” I said “Well, actually…”

One recent Saturday, Kean and Jeremy were both DJ’ing at a birthday party for one of Jeremy’s friends. I ran into somebody I know there that I hadn’t seen it years. He asked “So what brings you here?” I said “My boyfriend is DJ’ing here tonight.” He said “Which one is he?” I said “Well, actually…”

One time Jeremy and I went to eat at the new restaurant where Kean works. We sat very close together and acted like the lovers that we are. We also interacted with Kean quite a bit, and he joined us at our table several times. As we were leaving, a lady from a nearby table walked by and asked me “How do you know our friend the server? Is he family?” I said “Yes, he’s my boyfriend.” She said “He is your boyfriend?”, looking confusedly at Jeremy. I said “Well, actually…”

I can’t deny that I’m enjoying the confusion. It always makes me giggle a little.

Family planning

Nobody knows how things are going to turn out, but thoughts are being had now, and many conversations have been had in the last few weeks.

Kean, Jeremy and I are moving towards a true V relationship, with both sides being equal. Up until recently our relationship had been of the primary/secondary nature, with Kean and I being primary partners and everyone else being non-primary, because that’s what Kean and I had agreed to long ago.

Kean’s return from Olympia last month and temporary move into my apartment (he’s staying with me until he finds a new place to stay) triggered Jeremy into voicing his dissatisfaction with being a “secondary” boyfriend. He didn’t want to be limited to spending just two nights a week with me (up until Kean left, we had spent about two nights a week together, and while Kean was gone, we had spent three nights a week together) and felt that our love didn’t deserve the label “secondary.” So now, after many conversations, we are transitioning into a V, where both partners get roughly equal amounts of time and commitment.

V is for Vera. It works for me because I have a lot of love and attention to give, and I also need a lot of love and attention. It works for me because I live for feelings and relationships. Now I get to “work on” relationships and process feelings with not one, but two people.

It works for Kean because he now has more time and freedom to pursue relationships with other people and because he believes in allowing relationships to go where they want to go. We had never planned for a V relationship but now that it’s presenting itself to us, he enjoys allowing it to happen.

It works for Jeremy because he no longer feels secondary and like his desires and feelings don’t matter. Also, much like Kean, he enjoys the novelty and unconventionality of having this type of relationship, compared to a traditional one girl/one boy relationship.

My fantasy is that eventually we will all move in together. My fantasy is that there will eventually be a child, and that we will all raise it together. A V seems like a very safe and supportive place to raise a child–even just visually: It can rest there and be held inside the V. We may even cohabitate with another family, so that we’ll have a whole village to raise children. Although, given that I have lived by myself for the last 4+ years and have quite enjoyed it, I am apprehensive about that. On the other hand, I have been dreaming about a more tribal life, and one of the things I admire about Jeremy is that he has lived with the same two housemates (a couple) for eight years.

As always, things are uncertain, but boy, am I lucky in love right now. Who knew it could be like this?

A welcome compliment

A friend emailed me yesterday. He was looking to get some perspective on non-monogamous relationships. He said “You’re one of the few people I know who has been trying this for a while and seems to have their mental bearings straight.”

I think I’m going to let that sink in: I got this.

Growth

I am really happy today. Kean spent the night with someone else last night, and for the first time in our two+ year relationship I can honestly say that I am genuinely happy for him. Pure compersion is here at last.

It took many months and a lot of pain and tears and long, difficult conversations to get here, but I knew that I eventually would. During all those times in the past when I was freaking out, feeling overwhelmed and losing sleep, I kept my faith that I would eventually find beauty and love at the end of all of that. That’s why I didn’t give up, no matter how hard it was sometimes. And beauty and love is what I finally found, first in my new relationship with Jeremy, and now in the feelings of compersion I have about Kean.

This morning, whenever I thought about Kean and his lover, I felt good. I was hoping that they were having a great time. For the first time, I didn’t hope that they wouldn’t have sex, and for the first time I didn’t hope that, if they did have sex, it wasn’t very good. This time, I sincerely hoped that it was good, whatever they were doing. And this was the first time that I didn’t feel the need to call Kean as soon as I thought he might be up to find out what had happened. Instead I happily allowed him to call me. I even went for periods of time where I didn’t think about them at all. And I was okay with the likelihood that he is going to be thinking about her a lot this week, and that he is probably feeling really good when he does. I am so glad that I can be finally be happy for him and his lovers. I have been striving for this for so long.

What helps is that our communication has gotten a lot better.
What helps is that I knew about his intentions beforehand, and that I had given my blessing.
What helps is that I know her, and that they have been involved before.
What helps is that I have another partner and am thus not feeling left out.

Growth is a beautiful thing.

Negotiation of terms

Kean, Jeremy and I got together last night to discuss the terms of our relationship. This was the first time that all three of us talked openly about things together. Before that it was either Kean and I or Jeremy and I.

From the beginning of our relationship, Kean and I had had this unspoken agreement that when we are out somewhere together, we go home together. Neither of us has ever broken this because we both felt that it was rude and hurtful to go home with someone else in such a situation. But now that Jeremy and I have a serious relationship, this agreement doesn’t work for Jeremy. It hurts him to think that I will always go home with Kean when the three of us are all at the same event.

So last night during our discussion, Jeremy addressed Kean and said
“I am madly in love with Vera. I know that the two of you are also in love, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. When we are all at a party together, I don’t want to have to hide my feelings. I want to be able to hug and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. And I also want to be able to go home with her once in a while when we are all out together.”

As Jeremy was saying all of this, Kean just watched him reverently and nodded once in a while. The situation made my heart melt.

Kean said that Jeremy definitely didn’t have to hide his feelings and that it was okay for us to express our love in public and in front of him, that he would rather we do it openly than hide it. He only asked that we don’t do it when he is in the process of talking or dancing or connecting with me.

He also said that he was fine with me going home with Jeremy instead of himself once in a while, as long as we make sure that he has a ride home. He suggested that we always decide before the actual event and make sure that everybody is on the same page and consents.

Then the three of us watched a movie together, and then Kean went home while I stayed with Jeremy.

Jeremy and Kean like and admire and respect each other a lot, which makes it all work. They genuinely care about each other and about me. There is no rivalry, but sometimes there are feelings of hurt and abandonment. We all try to make sure that everybody is getting enough love and attention and is getting what they want out of this. Kean knows that Jeremy adds to my happiness, and that’s why he continues to give his blessing to our relationship. And Jeremy fully respects my relationship with Kean and wants to see it last, even if under different circumstances, he might prefer to be monogamous.

It might seem obvious that I am getting the best deal out of this, but I also think that I am the person this is most difficult for. I am constantly worried that one or both of them is feeling neglected or hurt or jealous, but I think I need to just stop worrying because both of them seem to be much more mature and supportive than I could muster myself. I can only hope that all three of us are growing from this into more loving people every day.

So much love

On my birthday earlier this year I had set the intention “to spread love and to surround myself and my life with love.” I decided to use “<33" as a symbol of that, which embodies both the number 33 (my new age) and a double heart. My friend Lizzy had given me a gift bag for my birthday, which had lots of <33's on it, and on which she had written "Verabug is loved and full of love."

And that is becoming truer than ever. When in the past there have been many times where I felt a lack of love, where I was hurting and feeling needy and deprived, I now have two men in my life that I absolutely adore and who adore me. My new boyfriend, Jeremy, and I confessed our love to each other last night, and it was probably the most honest and true and mutual confession of love I have ever experienced. And of course there is also Kean whom I still love just as much, if not more than before. When I told Kean that Jeremy and I were in love, his reaction was

“I am happy. You are spreading more love in the world, and I think you’re a good person to do that.”

I am pretty sure that I would not be able to feel as positively if Kean fell in love with someone else, but I am willing to cross that bridge when we get there because I know that Kean will hold my hand, much like I am holding his now.

Jeremy’s presence has definitely made me more relaxed and supportive with respect to Kean’s external affairs. Since I now feel especially loved and taken care of, where there was a lot of jealousy, fear and insecurity before, I now feel a lot more encouraging and benevolent about Kean having other lovers. Both Kean and I see this as a very positive development.

This situation is not free of complications and challenges, but in a way, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Happiness squared

Today I said to Kean:

“I am feeling kind of guilty because yesterday I sent an email to [my other lover] and told him that he makes me happy.”

And Kean said:

“Oh, really? Aww, I’m glad he makes you happy and that he knows that now.”

Wow. I continue to be amazed by how generous and supportive Kean is. I am so lucky.

Tears, then boundaries

The class ended on Saturday around noon. After five and a half days of being in a circle of amazing women surrounded by love and safety, we had to part ways. I felt very lost, alone and scared that afternoon.

Sunday was my last full day in Sedona. I was free to do whatever I pleased. When I woke up in the morning, I felt like shit. I dragged myself to a coffee shop and finished reading Joya’s book, Ave Maria. And the very last paragraph provided a clue for me. Her mother had just died:

I hung up the phone and laid in my mother’s bed, trying to reconnect with her energy body. Trying to talk myself out of letting my emotions lower my vibration.
I knew that going into my lower chakras would just take me farther away from the spiritual bliss that was now my mother. I told myself that the only way to connect with her was by raising my vibration, not lowering it.
But nothing was working. Even after all of the spiritual experiences, the true knowing that there is no death, and the belief and faith that my mother was united with our Divine Mother, the truth was, I would still miss her physical presence here on Earth.
I had to experience the grief of her loss.
So, being in a body and being human, I did the only thing humanly possible that I could do to ease the deep aching that I felt in my heart. I cried and cried, until I eventually cried myself to sleep.

I closed the book and started walking home and started crying. I realized that I had been experiencing something similar all week. Every night I had been losing sleep because I had been worried about what Kean was doing, and I had tried to raise my vibration and surround myself with unconditional love, and it hadn’t worked. I told myself that I should be able to do this, damnit, because I was above those petty human feelings of jealousy and anxiety, that I was surrounded by love and divine energy and able to be okay. But I was not okay, and I had to acknowledge that. I had to accept my human feelings and that they might never fully go away.

I think that I had secretly hoped that this trip was going to help me be unconditional love all the time, and that I was going to return home free from jealousy and that I was going to be okay about whatever Kean was doing, and that I was not going to care. But I do care. A lot. And I have to honor that.

I have to honor my feelings and my boundaries. Up until now I hadn’t wanted to set any boundaries because I didn’t want to think that I had (or needed) any. I wanted there to be absolute freedom. After accepting my humanness, I was finally able to accept that I had boundaries. I saw clearly that in order for this relationship to be happy and healthy for both of us, I need Kean to respect my boundaries. I am still not going to tell him NO or STOP because I do not want to restrict his freedom. But I am going to be very clear about what is and what isn’t within my comfort zone, and I am going to ask Kean to take that into account and respect it when making his decisions.

I understand now that this week has been so hard because I wasn’t able to trust Kean to respect my boundaries because there weren’t any. In the quest for unonditional love, I have found my humanness and my boundaries. I still believe that uncondional love is somewhere down the road but I first had to bring unconditional love to the ugliness of my humanity with all its fears and insecurities. I feel like I achieved that today by acknowledging my boundaries.