The sad girl

About two years ago, Kean and I and a photographer friend ventured out to Black Sand Beach in Marin County to take a sexy photoshoot with me as the subject. The theme was playful and animalistic – I wanted to feel like a sexy dark creature who lives in a cave and needs to be tamed before you can touch her.

The thing is that I often have a hard time feeling sexy and playful on camera. I am not a natural at modeling, but I do like to try. Sometimes the results are pleasing. That day they were not, even if I had felt excited about the shoot all day and was happy to have Kean with me as my “fluffer”. I felt bad for my photographer friend because she had been excited about the shoot too and had made a lot of effort to make me feel sexy and playful. But I don’t think I look sexy or playful in the photos. There are a handful that I think are okay, and there are many in which I really don’t like my face.

Here is one photo that is one of the better ones, one that I can actually stand. The lighting is good and flatters my face. In a lot of the other ones, I look more like a middle-aged lady trying a little too hard to be sexy.

I learned from my mother to call people “ugly” because she called people that sometimes, people on TV or people we knew. I haven’t called anybody besides myself ugly in a long time because it doesn’t feel good. Kean has helped me with that because I have never heard him refer to anybody as ugly. But that’s what I think when I look at some of these photos.

This is one of the photos that make me cringe. It probably didn’t help that I had just shaved off most of my hair. Part of my head was covered in “hedgehog hair”, which I had never thought particularly attractive. I have been known to call myself “ugly” in some of these photos, though I am reconsidering that now. I have also called past versions of myself “ugly.” When I was camping with Kean and Jeremy recently, I told an anecdote from when I was 13 and hanging out with my beautiful friend that all the boys liked. I explained “I was kind of ugly back then.” That’s when Jeremy said “When were you ever ugly?” The truth contained in that question really hit me, and I started crying for having been so mean to myself for so long.

This week I started participating in the Inner Mean Girl cleanse to help me not be so hard on myself. I have been working on this for years now but I could still use more help.

It took a lot of courage for me the other day to show Jeremy all the photos that were taken that day on Black Sand Beach. I told him that I don’t like them and asked him to please be kind. He said “Why are not smiling in them? You don’t look like you’re having fun.” That stung but I can accept it. A photo came up that I find particularly cringe-worthy, and I said “That’s just ugly!” And Jeremy said “I think you just look sad.”

I have considered deleting most or all of the photos from the set so that I won’t ever have to be embarrassed again by my failed effort to appear sexy and playful. But I think it’s healthy for me to keep them and even share them. So, to paraphrase this post: Here are two photos of me from two years ago in which I am feeling insecure and looking sad.

Raking the dirt

I had an amazing session with my wizness coach the other day. I have been working with her for over two months now and have received some very practical advice regarding my business. As a result, for example, I just bought a new phone and answering system and ordered caller ID because I had been losing some business due to not calling people back. Practical advice and exercises have been very valuable, but I knew that they weren’t the key to growing my business. I knew that what I really needed to work on were the conflicting feelings I have about my business. Luckily, my coach takes a very heart-centered and emotionally aware approach and she is experienced in shadow work. I told her that for the next month or so I would like to focus on that.

In our session on Wednesday we did a Parts Therapy exercise. We identified and addressed some of the more hidden parts of my personality. I told her right off the bat that I felt the Teenager part in me was getting in the way of my business. The Teenager never wants to grow up, doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t want kids, doesn’t want any responsibility, doesn’t want to be a “boring adult”. With my business I would like to be a powerful woman and have a positive effect on hundreds if not thousands of lives. That takes much more responsibility than the Teenager is willing to take on.

My coach asked me for some qualities that I would really like to possess but am not sure I actually do. I responded that I would like to be seen as warm, powerful and intuitive, but that I sometimes have doubts about all of them. She asked me to focus on one for this exercise and I chose warmth. She asked me what I was trying to hide by wanting to be seen as warm. I said that I was hiding judgmentalism. This is how we arrived at one part of my personality which I named the Judge. I had picked her up when I was 7 and first noticed the differences in people and that I liked some better than others.

Then my coach asked me for some qualities of mine that people easily see in me and that I am proud of. I mentioned smart, logical, open and non-critical. She asked me to focus on one, and I chose the quality of being smart. She then asked me what I am trying to hide by being smart. I said that I was trying to hide that sometimes I am lost and confused. And that’s how we arrived at the part of my personality which I labeled the Mental Patient. She had come into my life when I was 10 and depressed and desperate.

We then had these three different parts of me talk to each other and make each other seen, heard and understood. Finally, we had the different parts set some joint intentions for my life.
Judge/Mental Patient: Make plans for the future while finding appreciation in present circumstances.
Teenager/Judge: Surround myself with people I feel comfortable with that are fun, playful and young at heart.
Mental Patient/Teenager: Have an extraordinary life of constant change and growth while feeling loved and supported.

This was a two hour session, which all took place at a dingy Indian restaurant in the Mission. I really enjoyed it and hope that all my parts will be on board with me having a successful business going forward. I can actually already see how each of these parts can help me make my dreams come true. I can use the Judge to be more discerning in terms of who I do and don’t want to work with. The Mental Patient, while it seems like she might get in the way of a counselor’s work, is actually very welcome because she brings the necessary understanding and compassion to my practice: She has been there. She knows what it’s like to suffer. And the Teenager, whom I consider the biggest enemy of my business, wants to keep growing and evolving, which is something I want. I just need to convince her why and how taking responsibility can help us achieve that.

The day after this session I had my first paying client in about two months, which I take as a good sign.

My dad is retired

As of August 1st my dad will not have to work another day of his life. He will receive 75% of his most recent salary until he dies.

He is 61 now and had been working for the same German bank since he was about 15. He had been talking about the glory of retirement ever since I can remember. When I was little, he used to ask me if I knew what retired people do when they first wake up in the morning. “They crack themselves up,” he said. “Because they can do whatever they want.”

Now my dad finally gets to crack up first thing in the morning. The thought of that makes me smile. I am really happy for and proud of him for his endurance and dedication, which have gotten him here. It’s almost as if retirement has been his lifelong goal and dream, and he has now made it come true.

I asked him what he was going to do with all his time now. He said that he had ideas but no concrete plans yet, but that he definitely wants to stay very mobile and visit some of the cities and rivers in Germany he hasn’t seen yet. I think that’s a great plan.