What I want more of

Ever since one of Kean’s lady friends blocked me on Facebook, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my relationships with his lady friends in general. The energy between us is rarely harmonious and comfortable.

Maybe it’s because not a lot of people actually feel comfortable with sharing a sexual partner. Maybe some of them are really jealous of me or really scared of making me jealous. Or maybe it’s because I have very high expectations for how they and Kean are going to handle the situation and treat me.

Here are my expectations of Kean:

• To check in with me before having sex with a new person. He can cuddle or kiss a person without talking to me first, but before going further I expect him to talk to me about it.
• To tell me in advance of any dates/plans to hang out he makes with existing or potential lovers.
• To tell me after a date how far they went and how he feels about them, i.e. whether he would like to see them again.
• To keep me generally updated of who he is interested in and pursuing.

Here are my expectations of Kean’s lady friends:

• To accept that I am Kean’s girlfriend and primary partner and thus am a big part of his life.
• To accept that Kean and I don’t have secrets.
• To treat me with respect, in case we ever meet.
• To communicate with me honestly, should one of us feel a desire/need to communicate directly with me.

That being said, I don’t always meet Kean’s lady friends in person. And I also don’t always have a direct line of communication with each of them because sometimes it just doesn’t seem necessary.

A few things have happened over the course of the last two years, but especially lately, that have made me feel criticized in my approach.

On more than one occasion, somebody has suggested that Kean and I are “not really open.” Presumably this is because we do have some boundaries and agreements. Perhaps some people think that being in an open relationship means that you act as if you were single. We treat our relationship with a lot of care and respect, and our first priority is to keep our relationship happy and healthy. Of course this somewhat restricts our freedom as to what is possible with other people. So yes, we are not 100% open because we are not single, we are actually in a relationship, and that is part of the deal, but I still feel hurt and criticized when somebody brings this up.

There have also been a few people who ended up declining any involvement with Kean because they didn’t want to deal with my presence. The reasons ranged from “I don’t want to get involved with someone who’s already involved with someone else” to “I don’t want to cause any trouble” to “I don’t think Vera is comfortable with me, so I am going to bow out.” Whenever somebody says no thanks due to my presence, I take it personally, even if it has nothing to do with me personally, but simply with the role I play in Kean’s life. I probably just need to grow a thicker skin.

Some people have complained about me contacting them. One girl whom I had met in person multiple times, didn’t like it when I added her on Facebook and suggested that I was “stalking” her. She said that if I wanted to talk to her, I should just call her. Another girl said to Kean that she was really weirded out when I messaged her. This hurt me a lot because the intention of my message had been to be friendly and welcoming and just, well, open.

So those are the things that have hurt. I have felt rejected, denied and criticized. I have felt like I was doing something wrong. But the truth is that I am just being myself. And some people aren’t going to appreciate my direct and open nature. Some people aren’t going to feel comfortable about how freely I share my feelings. I can’t please everyone, and I don’t have to.

And here are some things that have worked, some situations that felt comfortable, exchanges I want more of:

• After a girl I knew had hooked up with Kean for the first time, I sent her a message to “acknowledge our new kinship.” She wrote me back right away and sounded really happy, and shortly thereafter she posted something about appreciating how strong some women are, and I couldn’t help but think I had something to do with that.
• I had coffee with a girl Kean and I are both friends with, during which she casually thanked me for getting to “borrow” Kean. She also mentioned that she had recently borrowed another girlfriend’s boy as well, and that she had appreciated the generosity.
• Last summer a girl Kean was interested in ended up bowing out in order to protect herself. She had been hurt in a similar arrangement before and didn’t want to repeat history. What I appreciated about this is that she announced this decision not only to Kean, but also to me.
• And just this week, a new girl that Kean is talking to said to him “You and Vera should come out tonight!”

And the last gesture, especially, made me say YES. This is what I want more of.