Pout and whine
Today is my fourth day working for Adobe. The first two days were horrible and completely drained me. Yesterday was okay, and today was as well. I started making check-ins yesterday, which made me feel productive and was exciting because I had never been a developer at Macromedia or Adobe, and now I get to check in code that
becomes part of a product that will be used by millions. That part feels good.
What doesn't feel good is walking around in this building and being taking back to three years ago, before I quit my job. Back then, I was unhappy every minute I was in the office and happy every minute I wasn't. I took frequent breaks to go to the bathroom and to get some water, just to get away from my desk and computer. I stepped with my socked toes into the rectangles of sun that were coming in through the skylights, just to feel a little tiny fraction of nature.
It only took a few hours of being back in this building to feel exactly the way I did three years ago. Things are different now because these people used to be my co-workers, but now they feel like old friends. I have received many hugs
since coming back; I didn't use to receive hugs in the office. I have had many laugther-filled conversations with people I used to see every day but hadn't since I left. Things are different now because I am only here part-time and because I am only here temporarily and I get paid a lot more. I sit in a different cube and on a different floor now and I report to a different manager.
But that draining feeling is exactly the same. That feeling of "get me away from here, I shouldn't be here", that feeling of wanting to get out and walk around in the sunshine, that feeling of being stuck in a golden cage. I did not expect this feeling to be this acutely present. It alarms me.
I am also a little tired of hearing "You couldn't stay away, could you?" I guess I couldn't, and it makes me feel like I failed in some way. I left on a mission, with high hopes to change my life, and I did change my life, and yet, I am back. My consolation is that I am back ON MY TERMS.
While getting tea before work today, I saw a cab driver in the coffee shop. I didn't know him but I recognized him by his cab driver badge. My eyes trailed after him with a sense of longing and nostalgia. And that shows you that my mind is playing tricks on me right now because hello! I still drive a cab! I drove one on Monday and am going to drive again next Monday! My life as I knew it is not over!
That brings me to another change in my life right now that is bringing me down and making me long for "the way things used to be": Kean moved into a new place last week. This is very exciting because he hadn't had a place to live the entire time that we have been together. He had been staying with friends, his mom, and me. Now that he has his own place, he doesn't depend on us anymore. While that's definitely a positive change, it also makes me feel unneeded, and that feels worse than I expected. He hasn't been over to my house once since he moved into his place; I haven't seen him as much because he is enjoying having his own space and freedom and being able to exhale for the first time in eight months. At the same time he has also been moody, snappy, sick and depressed. All these things together are making me feel underappreciated and neglected. I feel like I am not getting enough attention and love, and like the love and attention I have for him aren't needed as much right now.
It's been a hard week for me.
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.: posted by Vera 
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Branded for this life
The night of my birthday Kean told me that he would pay for me to either get another piercing or get my first tattoo. I spontaneously opted for a tattoo.
One uncomfortable question I had about that was "Will it feel weird after we break up to have this tattoo that Kean invested in?" And the answer was, probably yes, somewhat. But that's yet another reason why I decided to do it. I like to face my fears, or rather, I like to do what I want to do even if there is a fear. I don't like to be ruled by some potential future that gets in the way of something that feels right NOW. It felt right to accept a tattoo gift from Kean.
After a few weeks of thinking about where to get it done, I decided to call Philip Milic to see if he would be available to do it. I emailed him a picture of the design, and he wrote back right away saying that he would love to do it.
Philip had been part of my universe ever since I first moved to San Francisco six years ago. The first time I had seen him was at a Sunset Party in 2002. He had caught my attention because he had looked very striking to me with all his body modifications, and I think he was also break-dancing. After that I saw him a few more times at parties or other public places, but I don't remember specifics.
I do remember though that in 2006 he tried to flag the cab I was driving once, but I already had a passenger at the time.
And then, a few weeks after that, I went to Witch Camp, and Philip was there too. For the most part, I was too shy to talk to him, but towards the end I finally told him that I had been aware of his presence for several years.
Then, last summer, when Green Cab went to the Best of the Bay awards party at the De Young museum, Philip was there too because he had won Best Tattoo Artist.
So, given that he had been floating around my world for a while and he now had the title of Best Tattoo Artist, it felt very special and very right to have him do my first tattoo.
Originally my appointment was for July 23. But when Kean and I dropped off the deposit two weeks ago, Philip said he could do it sooner, on June 18. This meant that he would be tattooing me on the full moon. And I discovered with cosmic delight that the first time I had contacted him by phone had been on the new moon. Furthermore, at his house where he does the tattooing, I saw a Mary clock and a Mary candle. Things felt even righter.
So last night we went back to his house with the Mary stuff. And while the Cocteau Twins were playing on Philip's stereo, I received my first tattoo.
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.: posted by Vera
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Things are always changing
I got confirmation today that my contract with Adobe starts next Tuesday. It will probably be a six-month contract. Until the end of July, I will work at Adobe four days a week and am scaling back my taxi driving to Mondays only. Starting in August, I will pick my twice-a-week taxi schedule back up and work at Adobe three days a week until the end of the contract.
I'm a little scared of this change because I will be very busy. I have been so very unbusy during the last six months. It might be difficult to adjust. But I am also excited to be working on something new, reconnect with old friends, and have a change of pace and scenery. And this is very good news for me financially.
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.: posted by Vera
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I need something new to read
Quick, somebody order me something from my wishlist. Thank you.
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.: posted by Vera
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Dreaming, this morning
I was hanging out in some house with my family. My mom and I kept struggling with each other, pushing each other's buttons, a fight about to erupt. [We used to do this, when we still lived together, but haven't done this in years.] My brother was there too. We were all ageless. I couldn't say if this was 1986, 1993 or 2008.
Eventually I just started screaming. I let out a really long, really loud scream that just kept on going. My brother was sitting at a table, eating what looked like french fries.
"Mama, why is Vera screaming?" my brother asked. He wasn't looking at me.
My mom said "She is screaming because she is lonely, because the world sucks, and life is hard."
This is when I woke up, and my screaming turned into crying. I was now awake, in my bed in San Francisco in the year 2008, and I was crying. I don't think I have ever woken up crying before. I was crying because there had been mockery in my mom's voice.
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.: posted by Vera
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Professional considerations
Another benefit of being a freelance multitasker is that I get to deduct all kinds of things from my taxes. Almost everything I'm into, I can justify as an expense for one of my many freelance projects. For example, I can deduct most of my computer-related purchases from my Flash income and many of the workshops I take from my counseling income. I haven't quite figured out how to deduct yoga classes and platform boots, but I'm sure I will eventually.
This is why I think that internet porn star would be the perfect supplement to my collection of job titles. As a porn star I would be able to deduct, yes, platform boots, probably even yoga classes because I'd have to make sure my body stays looking good, and I could even deduct sex toys, bondage tools, and vinyl outfits! Perhaps this is a niche waiting to be filled.
This brings me to an inspiring post by Melissa Gira I read this morning. She has been getting naked on the internet for many years and just wrote an eloquent summary of her experiences which I adore. My favorite part is:
I hear every day how nobody wants to look "unprofessional" and ruin their career over an offending photo or rumor. I am starting to forget how to understand that.
This really speaks to me because I am forgetting how to understand that too. Hurray for overexposure, exhibitionism and sex-positivity!
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.: posted by Vera
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We do the darndest things
Kean and I have been talking a lot about this thing we call peopling. In a larger sense, it means interacting with strangers in public. But more specifically, it means trying out a previously agreed-upon verbal or physical stimulation on a sampling of humans and observing their reactions. The observation is never completely unbiased though because we are always hoping for people to really participate.
An example would be--although we haven't tried this particular peopling exercise--to ask everyone on BART what they think octopus guacamole is made out of.
This is what we have tried: A few months ago we found a ball on the street. We walked up and down Valencia Street, kicking the ball along with us. Some people automatically kicked the ball back to us when it rolled close to them; others tried to avoid touching it.
And yesterday we took a jump rope to Haight Street. Kean held one end and I the other, and we turned the rope, waiting for people to jump. Some people jumped in without asking. Some asked "Can I jump?" Others asked "Who's going to jump in it?", to which we replied "You!" The first girl to jump in it actually said that we had made her day. My favorite jumper was probably the European tourist in his 50's.
It felt like we were providing a valuable service to the public, and seeing people enjoy themselves was so rewarding, it made us jump up and down.
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.: posted by Vera
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This could turn into an interesting story
I found this key on my front door step when I came home after cab driving on Thursday. Kean was still at my house when I had left that morning, but he says he knows nothing about this key. My neighbor Steffanie says she doesn't know anything about it either.
I have never seen that key chain before but the letter suggests that somebody got this just for me. It looks like a house key.
I hope that whoever left this for me will reveal themselves or leave further clues.
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.: posted by Vera
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Some things my mind encounters daily
- Fear of rejection
- Bitterness regarding my German upbringing
- Imaginings of a more primitive human life
I feel like the last one deserves some more explanation: I cannot go an hour without thinking about past human epochs. The most common themes recently have been the days of torches and water buckets and the days of humans living in caves. I am always wondering what they did for fun, what their sex lives were like, how they decided what to eat, how they expressed themselves creatively, if they felt safer or less safe than I do now, how much time they spent each day sleeping and resting. There is no need to recommend to me any writings that try to represent the historic "facts" of what humans of the past did and how they did it. This is all about my own imagination and what I'm learning from it about my own desires.
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.: posted by Vera
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Dark eyes
This was backstage before Emerging Illusions: Sheila, Fushia, me, and Sarah, the designer of us babies.
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.: posted by Vera
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Birthday photoshoot, take 2
There seems to be a new trend of me getting myself photographed by professional photographers on my birthday. I like this trend a lot. This year on my birthday night, there were some photographers at Death Guild, and they took fancy photos of whomever was interested. Here is one of me and Kean.
(Image Courtesy of Blue Blood)
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.: posted by Vera
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Should I buy these?
I covet.
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.: posted by Vera
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Another sidewalk interaction
Yesterday evening I found myself walking to my car, which was parked near my house. I opened the passenger side door, grabbed the coil of rope from the seat, shut the door, locked the car and started walking towards BART. A guy and a girl were right behind me when this happened. All three of us walked in the same direction. I put the rope around my neck. After a couple of blocks, when we were all stopped at a light, the guy turned to me and said
"So. What's all the rope for?"
"It's for transporting a mattress on top of a car."
"Ah. And what's psychicvalentines.com?" I told him.
Apparently the guy had been curious about a few things about me. I was glad that he was vocal about it.
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.: posted by Vera
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Fun with Mercury
I have had my bed for five years, but it's very squeaky and quacky, which has become quite distracting, to the point of being intolerable. So I recently decided to manifest a new bed. I said "Mary, I need a new, quiet bed. Please help." A few days later, I discovered that the noisy part of my bed was the box spring, so I decided to just try and replace that since there was nothing really wrong with the rest of my bed. That day I saw two guys and a truck deliver a mattress to a neighbor. I also saw them wheel a box spring out of the neighbor's house and into the truck. I waited for them to come back so I could ask them if I could have it. When one of them came back to the truck, I asked him about the box spring. He asked me if I wanted it. I said "Is it a queen?" He said it was a full. I said oh well, that won't work. But it was close.
On Friday night I was hanging out with my friend Kelly. I told her about my bed situation. She said that a friend of hers was moving and giving away a queen size bed for free. She asked me if I wanted it. I said that if it was quiet, definitely. She texted her friend, and we lit some incense to help with the manifestation. She also pulled a card from my Kalevala deck, and she got the Äiti card, which is the equivalent of Mary because äiti means mother. Kelly started referring to her friend's bed as my "new bed." I got in touch with her friend the next morning and drove over to his house to check it out. The box spring was very quiet. I decided to just take the box spring and the frame since I liked my mattress. His friend delivered it to my house with a moving van. I gave him $20 for that. Score, I thought.
But when I set up my new bed with the new box spring, I discovered that my mattress was ever so slightly smaller than the new box spring. It is possible that I had been thinking this whole time that I had a queen size bed but that it had really been a full. I called Kelly's friend back to see if I could still have the mattress. He said sure and that his friend was willing to make another trip out to deliver it to me. Double score, I thought.
But this was when Mercury came into play. Kelly's friend called me again an hour or so later and said that they couldn't deliver the mattress after all. It was still out on the street though, he said, and I could come get it. Damnit! I started freaking out. I had no idea how to get that thing over to my house. I drove over there in a hurry, to at least make sure that nobody else took it.
I remembered that Antti had recently moved to the same intersection as the one that had my new mattress. I asked him if I could keep the mattress at his house until I figured out how to get it to my house. He wasn't home but I coordinated with his roommate who helped me heave it up the stairs.
I wondered if I could strap it to the roof of my bug. Probably not, I thought, because it's too tiny and round. It was the last of the month and thus moving day for a lot of people, and there were moving trucks and vans everywhere. I considered asking some people with a truck if I could borrow it for half an hour but was too shy. I considered calling DeSoto for a taxi van even though I was pretty sure it wouldn't fit. I considered calling my taxi van driver friend Muwaffaq to ask him if he thought it would fit and if he would be willing to squeeze it into his van even if it didn't technically fit. But DeSoto didn't answer and Muwaffaq wasn't driving that day. I saw three guys with a mattress set strapped to a jeep with rope. I asked them if I could have their rope when it was done. They gave it to me.
To end a long story, Kean helped me transport the mattress home that night, strapped with the rope to the roof of his slightly larger and boxier car. We even went to a couple of bars with the mattress still on the roof and then drunkenly lugged it to my house. It was fun.
And now I have a new, quiet bed! And it was free!
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.: posted by Vera
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Thank gooseberries for being in the right place at the right time
The other day I was driving a cab and I was kind of having a bummer of a day. I don't even know what was wrong, just that I was feeling sort of malcontent. After having lunch in my neighborhood, I decided to stop by my house to grab a book to read and to see if Kean was still there. I really wanted to wrestle with Kean because I thought that getting out some aggression would probably make me feel better.
When I was parking the cab at my intersection, I saw Kean walk out of my house and around the corner. I fled the car and yelled and ran. He was surprised and happy to see me. We hugged, and then I pounded his chest with my fists. He picked me up, and I kicked my legs and threw my arms as if struggling for life. After he set me down, we rammed into each other's shoulders a few times.
And then I was ready to get back to cab driving. The malcontent mood was completely gone.
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.: posted by Vera
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