Encounter of the solipsistic kind
Have you ever wanted to meet an older version of yourself in person and give her a hug or slap her or yell at her or tell her that everything is going to be just fine? I fantasize about that kind of stuff a lot. The other day I visualized very vividly the current me walking up to the teller window where the me from late 1998 was working. I worked as a bank teller for two years in college. When a person was at my window, I had access to the following information about them: Their name, their address, their date of birth and their bank balance and account activity. Depending on the transaction they wanted to do, I might have had access to more information, such as where they work if they were bringing in a paycheck. For the purposes of this exercise, let's assume that I am bringing in this year's tax refund check for deposit. I hardly ever go see a teller anymore because I do everything through the ATM, but just indulge me.
New me: Hi.
Old me: Hi! How can I help you today?
Old me: [I'm going to be nice to this one. She looks interesting.]
New me: [She is surprisingly nice. People her age can be total bitches.]
New me: I need to deposit this check.
New me: [She is probably still in college. I wonder what her major is? I hope it's something creative although I doubt it, considering that she works at a motherfucking BANK.]
Old me: Can you fill out this deposit slip, please?
Old me: [Doesn't she know better than that? She is supposed to have the deposit slip ready when she gets to my window!]
Old me: [Wow, she is wearing pig tails. She has got to be at least three years older than me, and she is wearing pig tails. Maybe I can still wear pig tails in a few years after all.]
New me: [Her hair is so short. I wonder if she feels comfortable with it. Probably not. I can just imagine her having a complex about it even though it looks totally cute. It makes her unique and different from all the other pony-tailed college girls.]
New me: [She is probably struggling to find out what kind of person she is. Her clothes are conservative because she works at a bank, but her style is shining through the surface. I hope she gets a chance to shed the business façade because it's not her at all.]
New me: Here you go.
Old me: Thanks. Would you like to open a Wells Fargo credit card today?
New me: I already got one, thanks.
Old me: [Of course she does. I bet she has all kinds of credit cards. She probably has a college degree. I wonder what her major was. Probably liberal arts or something. Or maybe philosophy? What would you do with something like that? Can you be a professional philosopher?]
Old me: [Wow, that's a pretty big tax refund. She must make a lot of money. I bet she could afford a Beetle. Maybe one day I will too.]
Old me: [Look at that balance! Must be nice. I bet she never worries about money.]
Old me: [She's 28, no way! I didn't know you could still wear pig tails and tennis shoes at 28. But thank god you can!]
Old me: [It must suck to be that old though. I wonder when she got drunk the last time and partied all night. I bet it's been a WHILE.]
Old me: [She lives in San Francisco. Cool. I want to go visit Monica there again soon.]
New me: [It must suck being stuck working at a bank in suburbia. Poor thing.]
New me: [I wonder what she does on the weekends. I hope she doesn't associate with fraternity and sorority people too much. She probably knows some of them and wonders why she doesn't fit in. Because you are not supposed to!]
New me: [I wonder if she has a boyfriend. Probably not. I bet she goes after the wrong guys sometimes, not being true to herself. Or maybe she has a girlfriend?]
Old me: [I wonder if she has a boyfriend. Probably. She seems so content. She probably has everything she needs. Except that she is, like, OLD.]
Old me: Here is your receipt.
New me: Thanks.
Old me: Thanks a lot, Ms. Fleischer. Have a nice day!
New me: [I can't believe she called me Ms. Fleischer. She still has a LOT to learn.]
New me: Thanks, you too.
Old me: [Maybe growing up isn't so bad. She gives me hope.]
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.: posted by Vera 
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Happy reunion
About six years ago, I gave my friend Monica a pair of green star barrettes that I have been missing terribly ever since. Monica knows this and returned them to me on Saturday. They are old and creaky and rusty but they are still green and sparkly and star-shaped and oh, I'm so glad to have them back.
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.: posted by Vera
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Thinking like a QA engineer
As a QA engineer, most of what I do is finding and reporting software bugs. The key to a "good bug" is isolation. You have to "isolate the problem." You find a certain "behavior" in the software that you know or think is wrong. But what you then need to do is "isolate" that "behavior" in order to determine what's causing it. It's one thing to say "the software does something funny." It's another thing to say "the software does something funny when I do such and such and such." But what you really want to say is "with settings x and y and after I have done z, the software does something funny when I do such and such and such." Get it? You kind of have to go through a process of elimination and trial and error in order to "isolate" the "behavior."
So yesterday morning at home I was looking out the window. I heard some bird chirping. I saw a bird sitting on a tree outside the window. But I wasn't convinced that the chirping sound was coming from that bird. So I thought "What if I turned that bird off? If I don't hear the sound anymore after turning off that bird, I would know that the sound was in fact coming from that bird. What if I still hear the chirping sound after I turn off that bird? Then I would know that the sound was NOT coming from that bird. I still wouldn't know where the sound was coming from, but I would be one step closer to isolating the behavior."
Ahem, yeah. Work has been fun lately.
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.: posted by Vera
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Seems vs. feels
Somebody told me in an email recently "You are so warm and friendly and it feels genuine, which I admire."
I noticed that she chose to say that it feels genuine instead of seems genuine. It made me think that she was coming from a place of trust. If somebody said the same sentence but used seems instead, it might mean that they are coming from a place of mistrust - mistrust in themselves and their own senses and feelings, and a mistrust in me and my authenticity. Seems signals doubt; feels signals faith.
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.: posted by Vera
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On the bus again
I had to drop off my car this morning and take the bus to work. When I was standing at the bus stop at 16th and Valencia, an old skinny bearded man in a green/gray/brown thrift store suit was there too. He looked down 16th Street and then turned to me and said "It's coming, yay!"
I got on the bus first and sat down. He sat down right next to me. This would have normally weirded me out but I resisted. He started telling me about something that I wasn't quite following. Then he told me that he once saw Robin Williams on this bus. "The 22 bus?" I said. He said yes. He said that Robin Williams that day had this aura about him that said "Leave me alone." And he was never prouder of his fellow San Franciscans than in that moment because everybody on the bus left Robin Williams alone. Robin Williams that day just wanted to be, and he didn't want to be on. He just wanted to absorb and not emit. So all the people on the bus let him be. The rambunctious junior high kids just kept being rambunctious as if Robin Williams didn't matter and as if they were just as important as he is. "Because they are," he said.
Then at 16th and Potrero the old skinny bearded man suddenly got up, said "see ya" and got off the bus. My eyes followed him for a while and I smiled and had a tingly feeling in my stomach.
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.: posted by Vera
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It's over
The panel went okay, I think. Jeffrey Zeldman said he liked it. Here is a picture of us during the panel.
Yesterday was the day I went shopping, looked at the university, and went back for more yoga.
I set my alarm for 4:30 this morning but I woke up naturally at 3. I quite liked that because that way I didn't feel rushed in getting ready for the airport. The cab driver told me that North Korea is going to attack us because the Bible says so. Hadn't I ever read the Bible? The Bible is the Truth. He said he wasn't just trying to convince me of stuff; he was just telling me the truth. I promised him that I would read the Bible more.
Now I am back. It's good to be back. This afternoon Maryann and I had lunch, walked around in flip flops and got pedicures.
My Austin pictures are here.
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.: posted by Vera
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Party pooper
I haven't been partying with all the other geeks at SXSW. Instead I have been watching movies and Sex and the City episodes in my hotel room because it felt righter.
This morning I went to a one hour and a half yoga class at 9:30*. I'll choose yoga at 9:30am over drinking at 9:30pm any day. Well, almost any day. Well, definitely TODAY. The class was at Bodhi Yoga. I took the bus. I got there early, before the studio even opened. Sean, one of the owners and teacher of the class, let me in. He instantly felt like a friend that I can trust. The class was amazing. I think I'll be back for more tomorrow.
My panel is in three hours. I am surprisingly nervous even though there will be six other people to share the talking. But I feel super relaxed and empowered because of the yoga class, and I'm wearing my lucky underwear, so all should be golden.
*Yes, I have been sticking to my New Year's resolution #4. I have been doing yoga at least once a week.
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.: posted by Vera
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Nice to finally meet you, Austin
I'm in my hotel room in Austin. I just met with Jane and the other panelists of the Flash vs. HTML Game Show we're doing on Monday afternoon at SXSW.
There is a PF Chang's across the street from my hotel and I have a feeling that's where I'll be getting most of my snacks for the next couple of days.
There are several SXSW-related parties tonight, and I think I may go to one of them in a little bit but I'm definitely not staying long. The bed and view in my hotel room are calling me already. Especially since I haven't slept in 36 hours, except for a couple of hours on the plane, generic Xanax substitute-induced.
Anyway, I am very excited to be here. I have a feeling I am going to spend a lot of time by myself, just exploring Austin, for the next couple of days. I love these kinds of trips.
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.: posted by Vera
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Oh beauty
I found this picture on Shobha's website and just had to post it. It reminds me of something I saw on Sunday that I really should have taken a picture of but didn't. I was walking down Valencia Street in the sunshine and walked past two guys who were selling stuff off of the sidewalk. They had Christmas bulbs in different colors - blue, red, green, gold - that were just sitting there in a cardboard box, glistening in the sunshine. It was grotesquely beautiful.
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.: posted by Vera
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Kankkunen?
Vera
Originally uploaded by SFAntti.
On Friday night I got drunk with my new Finnish friends. This picture was taken when my eyes were still seeing straight.
I also found out that there are a hundred or so ways of saying "hangover" in Finnish. Although I don't know the exact words, I experienced several of them the next day.
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.: posted by Vera
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If I had been a boy, my name would have been Wolfgang. My sister's boyfriend's name is Wolfgang. The second choice of a boy name for me would have been David. My sister's ex-boyfriend's name is David. Weird!
Why didn't my parents give the name Wolfgang to their firstborn son, who was born three and a half years later? Because they knew better by then. Also, and I don't have clear parental confirmation of this, but I'm pretty sure that I, at the age of 3, was rooting strongly and vocally for the name Stefan, which ended up being my brother's name.
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.: posted by Vera
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