I know somebody whose creativity and artistic leanings were stifled and shamed by her parents. Now, as an adult, she wants to create art everywhere, even with people who aren’t interested. In my case, my parents stifled and shamed me for my strong emotions. Now, as an adult, I want to talk about feelings everywhere, with everyone, even with people who aren’t interested. That’s how it goes.
A teacher at school talked about his German housekeeper today and then proceeded to make some jokes based on German stereotypes. They were positive stereotypes but they still made me cringe. I kept rolling my eyes and saying things like “Careful” or “Oh no, you di’int.” A little bit later one of my classmates raised her hand and told the teacher that she felt uncomfortable when he was talking about his housekeeper because there was a German person in the room and the jokes had had a negative impact on her and, she presumed, on me. She was right, and I was very grateful to her for speaking up. The teacher then said that his joking was a defense mechanism and that he loved Germans but that he wouldn’t “tell them that” because “they don’t like it.” He was still not getting it. A little bit later though another person confronted him about his Mormon jokes at which point he apologized for all of his offensive jokes.
Saying “I like Germans” is like saying “I love gay people.” It’s objectifying, makes you look dumb and reveals you as a liar. The truth is that every German/gay/Black/female person is different, and you can’t possibly like all of them, so stop pretending and stop putting people in boxes.
I used to think that German stereotypes bother me because I’m super sensitive or because of all the self-hatred I have for my German part. But now I know that I don’t like German stereotypes because they’re fucking offensive.
I am finding myself having less and less to say on here. The reason for this is a positive one but it makes me sad for my past self.
I used to not be able to distinguish between people that I trust and people that I don’t trust. There is a good reason for this but it made it very uncomfortable to be in the world. I used to indiscriminately try to trust everybody and ended up trusting nobody. I also really needed someone to talk to and I needed to be seen and heard. This blog provided that for me. It became an auxiliary selfobject for me, much like music and fashion had, in the absence of human selfobjects.
Now that I’m in school, practicum, therapy and supervision, I finally have people to talk to about what really matters to me, people that I can trust, people that can see and hear me. So this blog isn’t as necessary to my emotional survival anymore. Plus, I’m in lots of environments lately–class, group process, seeing clients–that are protected by confidentiality agreements.
But I want to keep writing on here. That is my intention.
I’m about to start my last semester of school and just started on this semester’s readings. Carl Whitaker in his article What is a Psychotherapist? (1989) really got me:
As a psychiatrist I am convinced that all psychiatrists go into this field because of our own preoccupation and concern with our own craziness and our hopes to get past that craziness so that we won’t self-destruct. You see, craziness tends to include stupidity; in our efforts to find the infantile nurturing that craziness seeks, we invariably expose ourselves to people who are dangerously opposed to mothering in a primitive sense. In our grand stupidity, we make serious trouble for ourselves, and may even end up locked up in a psychiatric hospital where the food is terrible!
The stupidity part is harsh but YEP. That can totally happen. I really look forward to one day being able to laugh about all of this, along with my parents preferably.
When somebody is not available to me (an attachment figure), I freak out and sometimes get angry and want to cut that person off. I imagine that my feelings are wrong, so rather than talk to the person, my impulse is to leave that person alone and pretend they don’t matter to me.
This was written last August, I believe.
Here is some music I liked in 2013. I listened to each of these songs at least a hundred times:
XXYYXX – DMT
Beacon – See Through You
Lomovolokno – Fracture
Bluetech & Lynx & Janover – To Mend
Hanami – Fruition
The Knife – Raging Lung
Emancipator – Minor Cause
Phaeleh – Should Be True
Volor Flex – Fake Love
Moderat – Bad Kingdom
My new year’s intention is to have agency in my relationships.
Sometimes, for my morning cup of tea, I force myself to just sit there and listen to music, not read a book, not be on the Internet, but just sit there and drink my tea and be with myself and the music. And often, sure enough soon enough the tears come, and then I know I’ve done the right thing.
V: Z, I’m going to miss you.
Z: I know.
L: Wow. I was going to say something affectionate to you, Z, but now I won’t.
B: Why, because you’ll get an authentic response?
Sent: Sat, Jun 23, 2012 6:35 AM
Subject: Re: hi
It really pisses me off that you don’t have the guts to tell me what happened. If I hadn’t asked you about it, you were going to discard our friendship without a single word to me. I have no desire to revive our friendship but I know that I deserve better than the silent treatment.