Swirly dreams

When I was younger I had a friend named Kathi. Her full name was Wera-Katharina (Wera being pronounced the same way as my name, Vera). She went by Kathi because she didn’t like the name Wera. She also said “There is no beautiful way to write Wera or Vera.” I believed her. But I did feel grateful that my name was spelled with a V instead of a W because I thought that the V looked prettier. Plus, I had seen this French teen romance movie called La Boum, in which a boy is in love with a girl named Vic and writes the letter V over and over again in his notebook. That’s when I started fantasizing that one day a boy would do the same for me, with the V representing my name.

Two years ago I saw the movie Elizabeth, in which Cate Blanchett signs a document with her name and very intricate swirly patterns beneath it. I was deeply impressed. Around the same time I got my first swirly tattoo, and I started noticing all the swirly metal gates, doors and windows in San Francisco. Even the gate and stair railing at my building have metal swirls, but I had never noticed them before. Suddenly I was in love with swirls and felt a desire to contribute to the swirly beauty in the world.

I decided that perhaps I could take a calligraphy class. I looked online and found a place that teaches locally, but the class I wanted wasn’t going to be until a few months later. By the time the class started, I was broke and had no budget for any classes. I was lucky if I could pay for rent and food. When another few months later I had money again, I decided to buy a bunch of markers and some really smooth black pens and start drawing swirls instead. This phase didn’t last long. I have never been all that interested in drawing and always been much more passionate about writing. I started decorating birthday cards and letters with swirls but when it came to writing the “To …” part, I wanted to know: How do I make the letters pretty? How do I make the T swirly in a way that looks like I know what I’m doing?

I don’t know what finally came over me – divine feminine energy perhaps – but on Saturday I actually went to an art store and got myself some black ink, a calligraphy pen and a cursive font book.

And for the rest of the weekend I spent hours and hours practicing swirly letters. I felt really fired up and inspired. The Chopin script quickly became one of my favorites because it is especially swirly. I mean, look at that A! Look at that N! They are little works of art.

The page in the book on Boulevard Script is another one I really appreciate because in addition to giving you the alphabet, it also shows you how to make lower case letters a little prettier if they appear at the end of a word. I adore the ornamental swoops at the end of the lower case k, z, etc. And I really like the upper case S. I have been practicing that one a lot by writing the name “Sue” over and over again. I can’t wait to write my rent check later today because I get to address the envelope to Skyway Realty.

I went through the entire book, found a font I liked and then practiced my favorite letters from that font. I hope to come up with my very own cursive font which takes inspiration from a variety of the fonts from the book. In the Vivaldi Script I found my favorite V. Another great thing about this book is that it includes a bunch of other ornamental swirls, for instance the heart on the Vivaldi Script page. I have spent hours practicing drawing that heart. I am almost there.

I fell in love with the swoop included on the page for Snell Roundhand. I want to marry it or at least use it a lot in my own handwriting. So far I have to fill it in manually but hope to eventually get a different pen that can draw thin and broad strokes. In fact, I have already emailed Sabrina Ward Harrison and asked her what kind of pen and ink she uses. She really inspires me in that she has created her very own signature cursive font, which is gorgeous, and which obviously uses one of those fountain pens that can draw think and broad strokes. I hope she gets back to me soon.

One page in the book even shows you how to prettify commas and periods by adding a swoop or swirl after them. I like this. Maybe I’ll use it next time I write my return address when paying a parking ticket: “San Francisco *comma* *swoop* CA 94110″.

So I finally practiced writing my name over and over, especially with the V from the Vivaldi Script. I think it looks beautiful, and 20 years later I feel like I can finally say that Kathi was wrong. There are beautiful ways to write the name Vera. Look at it. Doesn’t this make you want to fall in love with someone named Vera?

The sad girl

About two years ago, Kean and I and a photographer friend ventured out to Black Sand Beach in Marin County to take a sexy photoshoot with me as the subject. The theme was playful and animalistic – I wanted to feel like a sexy dark creature who lives in a cave and needs to be tamed before you can touch her.

The thing is that I often have a hard time feeling sexy and playful on camera. I am not a natural at modeling, but I do like to try. Sometimes the results are pleasing. That day they were not, even if I had felt excited about the shoot all day and was happy to have Kean with me as my “fluffer”. I felt bad for my photographer friend because she had been excited about the shoot too and had made a lot of effort to make me feel sexy and playful. But I don’t think I look sexy or playful in the photos. There are a handful that I think are okay, and there are many in which I really don’t like my face.

Here is one photo that is one of the better ones, one that I can actually stand. The lighting is good and flatters my face. In a lot of the other ones, I look more like a middle-aged lady trying a little too hard to be sexy.

I learned from my mother to call people “ugly” because she called people that sometimes, people on TV or people we knew. I haven’t called anybody besides myself ugly in a long time because it doesn’t feel good. Kean has helped me with that because I have never heard him refer to anybody as ugly. But that’s what I think when I look at some of these photos.

This is one of the photos that make me cringe. It probably didn’t help that I had just shaved off most of my hair. Part of my head was covered in “hedgehog hair”, which I had never thought particularly attractive. I have been known to call myself “ugly” in some of these photos, though I am reconsidering that now. I have also called past versions of myself “ugly.” When I was camping with Kean and Jeremy recently, I told an anecdote from when I was 13 and hanging out with my beautiful friend that all the boys liked. I explained “I was kind of ugly back then.” That’s when Jeremy said “When were you ever ugly?” The truth contained in that question really hit me, and I started crying for having been so mean to myself for so long.

This week I started participating in the Inner Mean Girl cleanse to help me not be so hard on myself. I have been working on this for years now but I could still use more help.

It took a lot of courage for me the other day to show Jeremy all the photos that were taken that day on Black Sand Beach. I told him that I don’t like them and asked him to please be kind. He said “Why are not smiling in them? You don’t look like you’re having fun.” That stung but I can accept it. A photo came up that I find particularly cringe-worthy, and I said “That’s just ugly!” And Jeremy said “I think you just look sad.”

I have considered deleting most or all of the photos from the set so that I won’t ever have to be embarrassed again by my failed effort to appear sexy and playful. But I think it’s healthy for me to keep them and even share them. So, to paraphrase this post: Here are two photos of me from two years ago in which I am feeling insecure and looking sad.

Raking the dirt

I had an amazing session with my wizness coach the other day. I have been working with her for over two months now and have received some very practical advice regarding my business. As a result, for example, I just bought a new phone and answering system and ordered caller ID because I had been losing some business due to not calling people back. Practical advice and exercises have been very valuable, but I knew that they weren’t the key to growing my business. I knew that what I really needed to work on were the conflicting feelings I have about my business. Luckily, my coach takes a very heart-centered and emotionally aware approach and she is experienced in shadow work. I told her that for the next month or so I would like to focus on that.

In our session on Wednesday we did a Parts Therapy exercise. We identified and addressed some of the more hidden parts of my personality. I told her right off the bat that I felt the Teenager part in me was getting in the way of my business. The Teenager never wants to grow up, doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t want kids, doesn’t want any responsibility, doesn’t want to be a “boring adult”. With my business I would like to be a powerful woman and have a positive effect on hundreds if not thousands of lives. That takes much more responsibility than the Teenager is willing to take on.

My coach asked me for some qualities that I would really like to possess but am not sure I actually do. I responded that I would like to be seen as warm, powerful and intuitive, but that I sometimes have doubts about all of them. She asked me to focus on one for this exercise and I chose warmth. She asked me what I was trying to hide by wanting to be seen as warm. I said that I was hiding judgmentalism. This is how we arrived at one part of my personality which I named the Judge. I had picked her up when I was 7 and first noticed the differences in people and that I liked some better than others.

Then my coach asked me for some qualities of mine that people easily see in me and that I am proud of. I mentioned smart, logical, open and non-critical. She asked me to focus on one, and I chose the quality of being smart. She then asked me what I am trying to hide by being smart. I said that I was trying to hide that sometimes I am lost and confused. And that’s how we arrived at the part of my personality which I labeled the Mental Patient. She had come into my life when I was 10 and depressed and desperate.

We then had these three different parts of me talk to each other and make each other seen, heard and understood. Finally, we had the different parts set some joint intentions for my life.
Judge/Mental Patient: Make plans for the future while finding appreciation in present circumstances.
Teenager/Judge: Surround myself with people I feel comfortable with that are fun, playful and young at heart.
Mental Patient/Teenager: Have an extraordinary life of constant change and growth while feeling loved and supported.

This was a two hour session, which all took place at a dingy Indian restaurant in the Mission. I really enjoyed it and hope that all my parts will be on board with me having a successful business going forward. I can actually already see how each of these parts can help me make my dreams come true. I can use the Judge to be more discerning in terms of who I do and don’t want to work with. The Mental Patient, while it seems like she might get in the way of a counselor’s work, is actually very welcome because she brings the necessary understanding and compassion to my practice: She has been there. She knows what it’s like to suffer. And the Teenager, whom I consider the biggest enemy of my business, wants to keep growing and evolving, which is something I want. I just need to convince her why and how taking responsibility can help us achieve that.

The day after this session I had my first paying client in about two months, which I take as a good sign.

My dad is retired

As of August 1st my dad will not have to work another day of his life. He will receive 75% of his most recent salary until he dies.

He is 61 now and had been working for the same German bank since he was about 15. He had been talking about the glory of retirement ever since I can remember. When I was little, he used to ask me if I knew what retired people do when they first wake up in the morning. “They crack themselves up,” he said. “Because they can do whatever they want.”

Now my dad finally gets to crack up first thing in the morning. The thought of that makes me smile. I am really happy for and proud of him for his endurance and dedication, which have gotten him here. It’s almost as if retirement has been his lifelong goal and dream, and he has now made it come true.

I asked him what he was going to do with all his time now. He said that he had ideas but no concrete plans yet, but that he definitely wants to stay very mobile and visit some of the cities and rivers in Germany he hasn’t seen yet. I think that’s a great plan.

Sober time again

Last year, the two months preceding Burning Man I gave up alcohol and other substances, excluding caffeine.

This August I am doing the same, except this time I am also giving up caffeine.

This means that for the month of August I will be foregoing roughly:
- 1 mushroom chocolate
- 3 bowls
- 5 energy drinks
- 10 cigarettes
- 10 cocktails
- 20 beers
- 30 cups of coffee
- 30 cups of tea

Wow, that’s a lot. It feels good to be honest with myself about how much I “use”. I hope I survive the sobriety. Last year was an emotional roller coaster, even though I still had caffeine as a mood stabilizer. Luckily both Kean and Jeremy are joining me on this trip.

How I almost lost a finger for fashion

The modified hoodie I almost sacrificed a finger for

Originally uploaded by Verabug

It had been a long time since I had done anything creative. I think working from home has helped make me feel more inspired and creative. The other day I decided to make a black version of a green hoodie I had modified about two years ago because, let’s face it, I wear black way more than I wear green these days.

I went to the thrift store and bought a Bebe hoodie for $6. Then I got out my scissors and some grommets. When I was poking the holes for the grommets, the scissors slipped and rammed into my left index finger. I said “Ooooooh” and Jeremy, who was luckily around, said “Ooooooh” and rushed me and my bleeding finger to the bathroom. There was a deep gash that went around by 90 degrees, so that two sides of a square of skin were loose. We weren’t sure if the bleeding was going to stop without stitches but it did. Jeremy rinsed the wound with water and hydrogen peroxide and wrapped some gauze tightly around it. The bleeding stopped.

The next day Kean took the bandage apart and rinsed the wound again. It started bleeding again. It also looked really bad, as if the flap of skin was still trying to come off. Kean put some neosporin on it and rebandaged it. I was scared of ending up with a deformed finger.

Kean, Jeremy and I have been taking turns redressing my wound, and today it’s actually looking really good. It looks like the flap of skin is starting to reattach itself to my finger. I am so proud of my body’s cells!

Well, I think my new modified hoodie looks great. Was it worth losing a finger for? Probably not. But almost losing a finger? Sure.

New work situation

It’s been four weeks now since I started my new freelance job working on an interactive chemistry book. I absolutely love being able to make my own hours, and I love being able to do my work from anywhere.

So far I have created a 3D periodic table of elements, and I have ported the 3D molecule viewer I had created in 2002 to ActionScript 3.0. The work has been challenging and fun. I am learning a lot about 3D engining. The periodic table still has a bug in it, and this coming week I am taking my laptop over to a friend’s house who is a 3D expert, so he can help me fix the bug.

I have also taken my laptop over to Jeremy’s house quite a bit and done my work from there. He has been remodeling his room, so we both had work to do, and it has been nice to be around each other for kissing breaks.

I have also been going to various coffee shops with my laptop. On Thursday, Brittney and I met at Ritual for a co-working date. Taking my work elsewhere has been great for preventing cabin fever. Scheduling frequent lunches with friends has also been helpful, or breaking up my day by running errands and/or taking a yoga class in the middle of the day.

Overall I have been having a lot more energy than I did when I was working in an office full-time. During the four months I worked at the company that makes Flash, I used to come home from work and not want to do anything but lie around. Now I finish my work day and I’m feeling adventurous. And I have been making it to yoga at least once a week, which I didn’t have energy for (and from) before.

Kean has a new job where he works from 8am to 2pm, which is extremely early for him. I often get up early with him and start my work before it’s even 8. He just moved into a new place in Oakland, but when he was still staying with me, I often took a quick cuddle break when he came home from work around 3, then went back to work for a few more hours.

Every other Wednesday morning I have my Wizness Circle, and I have also been meeting with my wizness coach for one-on-one sessions. I have been noticing myself being more confident regarding my business as a result of working with her.

I feel really good about where I am and where I am going career-wise right now.

Maybe I do like camping

I went camping with Jeremy and Kean over the weekend. We went to the Katabatik Solstice Campout in the Stanislaus National Forest, three and a half hours northeast of San Francisco. I had been going to Katabatik events since knowing Kean, and Jeremy has been involved with Katabatik much longer.

The setting was really beautiful with tall trees and purple flowers. It was uncomfortably cold at night, but in return it was sunny and mild during the day. The three of us drove there in my car, and we all slept in Jeremy’s tent.

One of my favorite artists, Nezzy Idy, performed on Saturday night, and it was great to hear his haunting vocals reverberate off of the trees.

On Saturday afternoon Kean and I had a little pow-wow with the mushroom goddess. We laid on a blanket and looked up at the trees, but then Kean decided that he had to go to the dance floor and help the DJ play with effects. I didn’t want to go to the dance floor, so instead I crawled into the tent where Jeremy was napping and woke him up with my giggles. Kean joined us a little later, and we had ourselves a giggly cuddle pile until the sun went down. I felt very comfortable and safe and was really grateful for having my two best friends around.

What I want more of

Ever since one of Kean’s lady friends blocked me on Facebook, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my relationships with his lady friends in general. The energy between us is rarely harmonious and comfortable.

Maybe it’s because not a lot of people actually feel comfortable with sharing a sexual partner. Maybe some of them are really jealous of me or really scared of making me jealous. Or maybe it’s because I have very high expectations for how they and Kean are going to handle the situation and treat me.

Here are my expectations of Kean:

• To check in with me before having sex with a new person. He can cuddle or kiss a person without talking to me first, but before going further I expect him to talk to me about it.
• To tell me in advance of any dates/plans to hang out he makes with existing or potential lovers.
• To tell me after a date how far they went and how he feels about them, i.e. whether he would like to see them again.
• To keep me generally updated of who he is interested in and pursuing.

Here are my expectations of Kean’s lady friends:

• To accept that I am Kean’s girlfriend and primary partner and thus am a big part of his life.
• To accept that Kean and I don’t have secrets.
• To treat me with respect, in case we ever meet.
• To communicate with me honestly, should one of us feel a desire/need to communicate directly with me.

That being said, I don’t always meet Kean’s lady friends in person. And I also don’t always have a direct line of communication with each of them because sometimes it just doesn’t seem necessary.

A few things have happened over the course of the last two years, but especially lately, that have made me feel criticized in my approach.

On more than one occasion, somebody has suggested that Kean and I are “not really open.” Presumably this is because we do have some boundaries and agreements. Perhaps some people think that being in an open relationship means that you act as if you were single. We treat our relationship with a lot of care and respect, and our first priority is to keep our relationship happy and healthy. Of course this somewhat restricts our freedom as to what is possible with other people. So yes, we are not 100% open because we are not single, we are actually in a relationship, and that is part of the deal, but I still feel hurt and criticized when somebody brings this up.

There have also been a few people who ended up declining any involvement with Kean because they didn’t want to deal with my presence. The reasons ranged from “I don’t want to get involved with someone who’s already involved with someone else” to “I don’t want to cause any trouble” to “I don’t think Vera is comfortable with me, so I am going to bow out.” Whenever somebody says no thanks due to my presence, I take it personally, even if it has nothing to do with me personally, but simply with the role I play in Kean’s life. I probably just need to grow a thicker skin.

Some people have complained about me contacting them. One girl whom I had met in person multiple times, didn’t like it when I added her on Facebook and suggested that I was “stalking” her. She said that if I wanted to talk to her, I should just call her. Another girl said to Kean that she was really weirded out when I messaged her. This hurt me a lot because the intention of my message had been to be friendly and welcoming and just, well, open.

So those are the things that have hurt. I have felt rejected, denied and criticized. I have felt like I was doing something wrong. But the truth is that I am just being myself. And some people aren’t going to appreciate my direct and open nature. Some people aren’t going to feel comfortable about how freely I share my feelings. I can’t please everyone, and I don’t have to.

And here are some things that have worked, some situations that felt comfortable, exchanges I want more of:

• After a girl I knew had hooked up with Kean for the first time, I sent her a message to “acknowledge our new kinship.” She wrote me back right away and sounded really happy, and shortly thereafter she posted something about appreciating how strong some women are, and I couldn’t help but think I had something to do with that.
• I had coffee with a girl Kean and I are both friends with, during which she casually thanked me for getting to “borrow” Kean. She also mentioned that she had recently borrowed another girlfriend’s boy as well, and that she had appreciated the generosity.
• Last summer a girl Kean was interested in ended up bowing out in order to protect herself. She had been hurt in a similar arrangement before and didn’t want to repeat history. What I appreciated about this is that she announced this decision not only to Kean, but also to me.
• And just this week, a new girl that Kean is talking to said to him “You and Vera should come out tonight!”

And the last gesture, especially, made me say YES. This is what I want more of.

Nicely falling pieces

A few weeks ago I came home from work to collapse in a heap of tears and told Kean that I felt like I was wasting my talents working in an office, even if it’s just temporary. I was disappointed in myself for taking the easy way of working in an office rather than putting myself out there to attract counseling and healing clients. That night I set the intention of receiving a sign that would point me to what my next step is and where to focus.

The next day I noticed an email in one of the mailing lists I am on regarding a Women’s Business Circle. The description of it really spoke to me, especially the part about ‘feeling stuck and trying to “work it out” on [my] own’. Yep, that’s me. I decided that I would like some support and inspiration. I emailed the woman leading the circle and ended up talking to her on the phone. She seems very sweet, and I feel drawn to her.

I am now confirmed to attend the Women’s Business Circle every other Wednesday morning starting June 9. What’s great is that while I was in Germany, I had a moment of awakening regarding my psychic and healing abilities. I realized that I had been suppressing my abilities after I had unsuccessfully tried to use them to make a relationship work in 2006. The relationship had failed, I had felt let down by my abilities and had stopped trusting them as much. I had especially been suppressing my psychic vision and had been refusing to use it, even though people have been asking me to. During that moment in Germany, I realized the healing potential contained in my psychic vision and vowed to make use of it. Suddenly I felt more energetic than I had in months and understood why I had been chronically tired for a long time.

I feel that my new-found willingness to employ my psychic and healing abilities along with my attendance of this business circle will form a great basis for taking my work to the next level.

Not only that but my time in the office where Flash is created is ending as well. I will be working there this week and next, but then I am moving on to working from home and making my own hours. As I mentioned before, I will be working on an interactive chemistry book with a professor at the University of Virginia, for whom I worked many years ago and whom I adore. The flexible schedule will allow me to attend the business circle and hopefully also to see more clients.

I’m excited!